9/2/2021

 I had this thought tonight as I drove home by myself with my head full of thoughts.

I am not afraid of the unknown because I'm afraid I can't do hard things, I'm afraid because I have. 

At least for me, when I get to the other side of a difficult trial, a mountain so to speak, it feels good to be past it. However, when a similar mountain comes again, my heart muscles, my emotions, my very being remembers what it took, the almost breaking points and shrinks back but wanting to go there again. Sometimes the bitter cups bring the sweetest rewards, but the taste is still so familiar that I cannot forget. I do not want swallow what it holds, pay the price for a hopeful happy ending. The plot twist, the good and unexpected, soul--stretching events, 

Paradox Day

par·a·dox

 noun \ˈper-ə-ˌdäks, ˈpa-rə-\

: something (such as a situation) that is made up of two opposite things and that seems impossible but is actually true or possible

December 4 is that for me. This day is filled with emotions and memories so entirely opposite yet so delicately woven together. 

Six years ago today, we welcomed our sweet Caleb into this world. Six years ago, I sacrificed sleep to attend to the crying and needs of our precious, new, fully-living son. He is a beautiful little boy who has brought laughter and wisdom with a twist of quirky to our family. Those eyes, those eyebrows, those expressions, and that laugh! Precious, and priceless you are our Turkey boy! 

I felt a little out of practice with newborn care as I diapered and dressed and nursed him, However, I was confident that it would all come back to me and we would make it beautifully through the awkward newborn stage.

Three years ago today, was the due date of what we expected to be one baby. A baby that was possibly going to be a 'birthday twin' for our Caleb. Instead it marks the day we brought twin daughters, our precious Gracelyn and Finn's bodies home to prepare for burial the next day. We had a birthday to celebrate: cupcakes to make and eat, candles to blow out, presents to open, {did I even get a present???}, pictures to take and...a funeral to prepare for. It marks the last time I physically held them in this life. It marks the day I held on so tightly to the children who were here. It marks the most difficult day of wondering if there was anything more I could do and what I had to let go. Were there any more memories I needed to make to be able to endure this separation? How was i going to face the morning, the finality, the people, our family, friends and neighbors who mourned with us feeling totally unprepared for something I'd never done before: finding our new normal, trying to sing our children's lullaby, laying our babies to rest for the last time, closing the casket and crying myself to sleep.

This year as I write this, my arms are full of a sleeping baby. It still catches me off guard how much this little one can bring joy and make the missing more tangible in the same moment. Paradox-and-a half, I tell you, but it is mine for the having. I wouldn't trade it, for it is good to know the pain so that I may experience joy. Sometimes, sometimes my cup runneth over in both directions. 

Life is interesting isn't it? It still continues to amaze me the wonderful complexities that can fill my human heart on one date on the calendar. Today, Caleb's 6th birthday,  I choose to celebrate life  in all of its beautiful, eternal forms and find it appropriate on this day of celebration that the skies are touched with rain. 

Always,
Jamie

Four

Has it really been?

Four years?

How can I still remember every detail of that day?

Well, days like that have a way of making themselves remembered. I was getting past the point of feeling overwhelmed and feeling ready to love you, to welcome you, to look forward to you, to you growing and becoming, and your precious new life. October 10: the day I saw your perfect little body in black and white ultrasound. The only time. Your heart was still, you were gone, but so perfectly beautiful.

Indeed, I had plans for you, for your life and sometimes I resent having to trust that there are other plans, Higher than my own. My plans were good, full of love and dreams, and they will have their time. I feel the gap of where you would have been every day, yet I cannot bring myself to say it is where you 'should have been'. It is called  'Loss', and indeed it feels that way much of the times that I think on it, yet it is more than that. With time, your brief life has become a blessing. There are many who will never understand that. You were the beginning of a teaching time for me. A time where I learned a deeper level of love and a deeper level of what this test we call life is about. A deeper connection to those around me and an empathy I never before felt so necessary. If I love you like this knowing a few things about you, how infinitely does my Heavenly Father love me, knowing everything about me? It makes more sense to me now. Call it a Loss, call it a Miscarriage, call it what it is, but to me it is a Wait. A difficult wait sometimes, a longing for the things that this world cannot satisfy. A reason to be better, to become more. A  Hope that  what I feel I am  missing will pale in the light of what is ahead of me. Just hold on, be faithful, and all will be made right.

I know there are those who do not understand how I could love my child I never met, but that is just it...you were my child, our child and nothing will ever, ever change that. I will forever be your Mama and you will forever be my Hope. There will always be days of Hope in our year and there will always be your place in our family.

The stuff that counts

So I've been comparing a lot lately though I'm not really meaning to, and you know what, today I caught myself in the act and actually said out loud "Stop it!"  It's a nasty little trick of Satan's to get us to waste time and energy on not feeling like we are enough. I had to figuratively sit myself down and give myself a little talking to. Some of the key points I got out of that personal conversation were:

* I am God's daughter, and as such I am divine. No matter where or why I feel like I fall short, I am His creation and ALL of God's creations are filled with eternal potential, so instead of feeling like I have let Him down, i need to look to where He is standing ready to help me rise.

* I only see snapshots of other peoples' lives while they are in the trenches of the reality-show version of their life. I am not in their moccasins. I have no idea, really.

* Others only see snapshots of me, for good or for bad. Those who really care will take time to see parts of the movie we call life and not judge based on the still-frames.

* Although I may still have the same struggle day after day, year after year, someone else may have theirs. Let's cheer each other on, not compare.

SO, that's my little insight for the day. Take it or leave it, it's all good.

dressing down?

Remember the days when i used to spend a little extra time assembling the cute outfit or two for going out? I don't either. Lest anyone thinks i have given up, i haven't. I have just strengthened some other habits which greatly outnumber this particular one. For example: I set my alarm to wake me in case the very content thumb-sucking, [and very wet] baby does not, so that i get up to nurse before i soak the sheets with milk. After the ritual, it is usually time to feed the rest of my little army, so yep, the shower gets pushed back yet again. I am often preparing lunch while still in my jammies and i HATE it! Although the functionality of a ponytail, t-shirt & jeans [or jammies] i cannot undermine, i get tired of it. I want to wear that cute outfit and look classy when i select produce at the farmer's market, but nope i am resigned to sweep the stray hairs back with a quick glance in the rear-view mirror and say to myself "that will have to do.'

Still...

I used to be so sure of myself. Now I question my decisions all the time. Should I cut my hair, should I purchase that item, should i attempt to fix that, will this end up blowing up in my face. I especially struggle with forming new friendships, meeting new people and standing my ground. It's not so much that I am seeking the approval of others, it's more that I am seeking the approval of myself. I find that there is still a level of blame or self-doubt that taints everything. I know I did all I had the power to do with all the knowledge I had at the time, and yet there is still something that lingers, compares, and judges and condemns. I can easily decide what meals to put on a 2 week menu, but what color to paint the walls in the bathroom, that's just overwhelming. Is it because it's long-term and I still struggle with long-term decisions? I don't want to sound like life has crippled me, I just notice that some days the rug still feels like it is pulled out from under me and I am still figuring out who I am again all over and then I mess up and I am afraid, yes, afraid to try again because I hate to fail. Yes, I look at that edge, that jump. I tiptoe toward it over and over and over wanting so desperately to have the courage to jump and the faith that I will either fly or land on solid ground and then I turn around and I just think, "Not today, I'm not ready..." and I look at the where  am and I yearn for the where I want to be although I don't even really know what that is yet. I know all the wishing in the world won't change a thing, yet most of the time i have no idea where to begin...

Mother's Day 2014

"Mother's Day is every day" someone close to me is known to say. I don't expect roses or a day spent in bed, I'll spend my moments with my treasures instead. While my work taken for-granted I sometimes resent, these are moments that are truly well spent. I am investing in something bigger than me: I nurture the sparks of eternity. For I know that time is sprinting on and I dare not blink for they soon will be gone. I'll know I've done well when the sweet day comes and they bring their own children to spend time with their Mom.

*Loving my children, my Mother, my Grandmas, and all who have mother-hearts this day and always.