dressing down?

Remember the days when i used to spend a little extra time assembling the cute outfit or two for going out? I don't either. Lest anyone thinks i have given up, i haven't. I have just strengthened some other habits which greatly outnumber this particular one. For example: I set my alarm to wake me in case the very content thumb-sucking, [and very wet] baby does not, so that i get up to nurse before i soak the sheets with milk. After the ritual, it is usually time to feed the rest of my little army, so yep, the shower gets pushed back yet again. I am often preparing lunch while still in my jammies and i HATE it! Although the functionality of a ponytail, t-shirt & jeans [or jammies] i cannot undermine, i get tired of it. I want to wear that cute outfit and look classy when i select produce at the farmer's market, but nope i am resigned to sweep the stray hairs back with a quick glance in the rear-view mirror and say to myself "that will have to do.'

Still...

I used to be so sure of myself. Now I question my decisions all the time. Should I cut my hair, should I purchase that item, should i attempt to fix that, will this end up blowing up in my face. I especially struggle with forming new friendships, meeting new people and standing my ground. It's not so much that I am seeking the approval of others, it's more that I am seeking the approval of myself. I find that there is still a level of blame or self-doubt that taints everything. I know I did all I had the power to do with all the knowledge I had at the time, and yet there is still something that lingers, compares, and judges and condemns. I can easily decide what meals to put on a 2 week menu, but what color to paint the walls in the bathroom, that's just overwhelming. Is it because it's long-term and I still struggle with long-term decisions? I don't want to sound like life has crippled me, I just notice that some days the rug still feels like it is pulled out from under me and I am still figuring out who I am again all over and then I mess up and I am afraid, yes, afraid to try again because I hate to fail. Yes, I look at that edge, that jump. I tiptoe toward it over and over and over wanting so desperately to have the courage to jump and the faith that I will either fly or land on solid ground and then I turn around and I just think, "Not today, I'm not ready..." and I look at the where  am and I yearn for the where I want to be although I don't even really know what that is yet. I know all the wishing in the world won't change a thing, yet most of the time i have no idea where to begin...