Four

Has it really been?

Four years?

How can I still remember every detail of that day?

Well, days like that have a way of making themselves remembered. I was getting past the point of feeling overwhelmed and feeling ready to love you, to welcome you, to look forward to you, to you growing and becoming, and your precious new life. October 10: the day I saw your perfect little body in black and white ultrasound. The only time. Your heart was still, you were gone, but so perfectly beautiful.

Indeed, I had plans for you, for your life and sometimes I resent having to trust that there are other plans, Higher than my own. My plans were good, full of love and dreams, and they will have their time. I feel the gap of where you would have been every day, yet I cannot bring myself to say it is where you 'should have been'. It is called  'Loss', and indeed it feels that way much of the times that I think on it, yet it is more than that. With time, your brief life has become a blessing. There are many who will never understand that. You were the beginning of a teaching time for me. A time where I learned a deeper level of love and a deeper level of what this test we call life is about. A deeper connection to those around me and an empathy I never before felt so necessary. If I love you like this knowing a few things about you, how infinitely does my Heavenly Father love me, knowing everything about me? It makes more sense to me now. Call it a Loss, call it a Miscarriage, call it what it is, but to me it is a Wait. A difficult wait sometimes, a longing for the things that this world cannot satisfy. A reason to be better, to become more. A  Hope that  what I feel I am  missing will pale in the light of what is ahead of me. Just hold on, be faithful, and all will be made right.

I know there are those who do not understand how I could love my child I never met, but that is just it...you were my child, our child and nothing will ever, ever change that. I will forever be your Mama and you will forever be my Hope. There will always be days of Hope in our year and there will always be your place in our family.