Paradox Day

par·a·dox

 noun \ˈper-ə-ˌdäks, ˈpa-rə-\

: something (such as a situation) that is made up of two opposite things and that seems impossible but is actually true or possible

December 4 is that for me. This day is filled with emotions and memories so entirely opposite yet so delicately woven together. 

Six years ago today, we welcomed our sweet Caleb into this world. Six years ago, I sacrificed sleep to attend to the crying and needs of our precious, new, fully-living son. He is a beautiful little boy who has brought laughter and wisdom with a twist of quirky to our family. Those eyes, those eyebrows, those expressions, and that laugh! Precious, and priceless you are our Turkey boy! 

I felt a little out of practice with newborn care as I diapered and dressed and nursed him, However, I was confident that it would all come back to me and we would make it beautifully through the awkward newborn stage.

Three years ago today, was the due date of what we expected to be one baby. A baby that was possibly going to be a 'birthday twin' for our Caleb. Instead it marks the day we brought twin daughters, our precious Gracelyn and Finn's bodies home to prepare for burial the next day. We had a birthday to celebrate: cupcakes to make and eat, candles to blow out, presents to open, {did I even get a present???}, pictures to take and...a funeral to prepare for. It marks the last time I physically held them in this life. It marks the day I held on so tightly to the children who were here. It marks the most difficult day of wondering if there was anything more I could do and what I had to let go. Were there any more memories I needed to make to be able to endure this separation? How was i going to face the morning, the finality, the people, our family, friends and neighbors who mourned with us feeling totally unprepared for something I'd never done before: finding our new normal, trying to sing our children's lullaby, laying our babies to rest for the last time, closing the casket and crying myself to sleep.

This year as I write this, my arms are full of a sleeping baby. It still catches me off guard how much this little one can bring joy and make the missing more tangible in the same moment. Paradox-and-a half, I tell you, but it is mine for the having. I wouldn't trade it, for it is good to know the pain so that I may experience joy. Sometimes, sometimes my cup runneth over in both directions. 

Life is interesting isn't it? It still continues to amaze me the wonderful complexities that can fill my human heart on one date on the calendar. Today, Caleb's 6th birthday,  I choose to celebrate life  in all of its beautiful, eternal forms and find it appropriate on this day of celebration that the skies are touched with rain. 

Always,
Jamie